May 5, 2009

but...

Chadwick, I Heart you.

May 2, 2009

Dissection

Q: What are your thoughts on true love?........ Amy?..............Are you there?
A: Yes? I dont know. Im not entirely sure yet. Im doubting it's still around. I see reminents from the past. My loving parents. 32 years. My Great Aunt and Uncle. Ages. Time spent with each other- one another- and only them.

Q: Do you believe it's still out there?
A: Maybe there is more than one for the time of life you are in.....

Q: And right now?
A: Maybe I'm being picky. Choosing the pieces from others that i loved so i know the right one when he comes along in his entirety.

Q: And how will he be?
A: Ahhh. This i know. A spiritual gentlemen. Cheeky and sometimes naughty he is a hilarious clown with a really deep side that can run dark. Carefree and accepting he will treat me like a princess but push me when he knows i need it. Adventurous, eager to learn and effortlessly the coolest guy in the room. No one else exists when I'm around and we will breathe for each other.

How to stop Running and get somewhere

If anyone figures out how to do this please tell me. 
Is it too much to want so much out of life but not know how to get it? I want to be surrounded by rich beauty. The kind that doesn't  tease me with its being and threaten to dissipate at the snap of your fingers. The kind of RICH, seductive, passionate and content life that remains constant through a sea of changing days. What in this life is constant? Is it being able to know yourself and have nothing and still be content? Or is it being able to be alone with your self and not go mad with anxiety, fear and loneliness? I want my life to be swaddled in velvet and illuminated by twinkling fairy lights. I want to be able to say the things i mean without risking hurting the people i am talking to. I want to exhale the truth and inhale the passion. I want to wake up and not feel like something is missing. I want to be able to paint and write without feeling lazy and like i should be doing something else. I want to be able to walk along the street slowly without thinking i should be walking faster, in a really important direction.  I want slow indulgence without any signs or feelings of guilt. Is this part of growing up? I don't remember anyone telling me about this part. Why are my thoughts all over the place? I have more question marks in this post than ever before. Simple decisions seem hard to me now and that simply annoys me even more. My mind moves at super speed and always seems to choose the path that runs through the dark haunted forest where scared beings live. This is not where my mind is meant to run to. Its meant to take the other path that runs through some passionate village where imagination has no limits and 'guilt' is a dirty word and if it's spoken everyone hides under some sort of magical toadstool. It's meant to be clear and precise and forgiving. It's meant to know who to love and not be torn between two things like it always seems to have been previously. My mind is meant to look like some crazy magical creature out of "The Never ending story" that smiles all the time and makes flowers bloom when it goes by and kind of looks like Victoria Beckham. 

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